Heart Health

I only have one recipe that I think is perfect. My chocolate chip cookie recipe. Unfortunately, I seem to only bake them for an unrequited love. My most recent batch made me think how similar these two things are — cookies and crushes. On the surface they seem so harmless and wonderful, but they are actually composed almost entirely of elements that cause heart problems. I know this fact, yet I can't help but to sample a couple, maybe a few more... maybe bake another batch?... stupid

Oh but what is the difference between my special cookie recipe and a regular recipe for heart disaster?

 The only substantive difference between a conventional recipe (of mutual interest) and my recipe (the one-sided) is that you must slightly burn the butter in the latter. You can't simply melt butter. No. No. Melting is for lucky bastards following the conventional recipe. You must toil. You must make the butter suffer. It must be burned and tormented so that the sweet milk solids and innocent salt particles inside the butter transform into something darker. Something slightly bitter. But you wouldn't know that the butter has been burnt from tasting the end product. In fact, when the cookies are baked, they taste better and somehow more pure. 

But you can't eat these things forever. You either have to muster up incredible amounts of willpower to stop eating this shit, or you can continue to stuff yourself, like the oaf you are, until the inevitable heart attack sets you straight. My method of choice has been and continues to be Heart Attack for the win.

 I need to find a more sustainable baked good. The kind that doesn't try to kill you.

I suppose this isn't a failed bake in the literal sense, but I think it works as a metaphor. So it fits in the blog's overall theme of failure and sadness :)

P.S. Happy Birthday, Blog. You are now 1 year old.

Black holes and baking

Baking involves a lot of waiting...
There's a lot of work in the beginning

but then, you put it in the oven
and wait...
and wait...
and then after that
you wait some more...

Its easy to get distracted sometimes.

Today, I was sucked into a black hole phone conversation
There is no way out of a black hole conversation
In the chaos and confusion, you lose all sense of time and place
And you forget about everything in your struggle not to implode in frustration

Well, after I emerged from this most recent black hole
I realized that I had been ignoring a burning smell,
and my alarm that had been going off every 5 minutes,
I had overcooked my muffins by 40 minutes...

When I finally pulled them out of the oven, they were all charred
all sign of the sweetness of life had been snuffed out
My negligence resulted in their tragic premature demise...

I should have just hung-up at the first sign of crazy nonsensical logic

This is where I draw the line. NEVER AGAIN!
You can take away my peace and sanity,
but leave my poor muffins be!!!

My poor muffins :'(

Ultimate fail

I haven't baked at all. I think this is the ultimate bake fail. How dare I.

5 more days to D-day.

Why is it called D-day?

My rum and doughnut lamentations is in the works. Please be patient. Rome wasn't built in a day you know.

Potatoes Potátoes

What?! How can you mess up baked potatoes?
Let me tell you, friend, no failure is impossible.
Whether it be boiling water or frying an egg,
failure is always nearby, waiting to steal your foods

SO... my potatoes

When baking 30 potatoes, it is not ideal to bake them all at once.
In theory, they could be OK if your potatoes satisfy 2 conditions
(1) they are all of uniform size and shape and;
(2) they can somehow receive uniform heat in the oven

If these conditions are not met perfectly,
your potatoes won't be as delicious as hoped
A few might be of adequate deliciousness
but most will be the opposite of delicious

Fortunately for me, the potatoes were just a side for this meal
just the tuber portion of a pretty good ribeye dinner
followed by a delicious chocolate cake or cheesecake
then cigars and scotch to finish it all off

All in all, nobody remembered the bland potatoes
They were slightly to moderately undercooked potatoes.
And while I was rather disappointed and self-conscious
everyone just ate them as if they were delicious...

It made me wonder about the nature of failure
What is failure?
What is success?

Perhaps the failure of these potatoes were a success?
Maybe their lack of deliciousness and abundance of undercookedness
actually accentuated the wonderfulness of the rest of the meal
Like how opening bands make the real band seem even better.

Maybe our other failures (both baking and otherwise) help us know what is good
What is a delicious cake if you've never tasted a bad one?
What is a perfectly baked cookie if you've never burned/been burned?
What can be good without the countless failures it took to reach goodness?

Right?

Maybe?

Kinda?

*sigh* ... potatoes ... Oh well

Morning glory muffins

I simply got greedy and added too many ingredients- carrots, apples, coconut flakes. I should have stopped there, but no, I had to add blueberries too.I had too much batter and got tired of refilling my only muffin pan (holds 6), so I poured the rest into a loaf pan.

It was good, but too moist. Yes, there is such a thing as too moist. (Is there?), and I neglected it for other choice meats like this japanese pancake thingy with chestnuts and red bean paste inside. Ah, poor sad morning glory muffin. I ate up all the muffins, most of it, at least, 2 didn't survive the heavy weight of my books in my bag. The poor loaf muffin. It weeped and grew mold. I had to throw it out. Thankfully my roommate's mom had a slice of it. She said it was good. I am bad. :(

Onto the next bakefail: doughtnuts with rum cream inside. Stay tuned my non-existent readers!

Apple cake

It failed because the apples were too old.

They leaked too much juice.

The recipe didn't want to add bourbon but bourbon is good for everything.

The recipe didn't want to add maple syrup but maple syrup rocks the house.

I didn't have a 9" x 9" baking pan.

I am a poor student with no time.

Someone else was in the kitchen taking up space and bumping my elbow.


Not me.